Songs

Lawyer Up

Back in the early 90s one of my favorite Hip Hop anthems was "Ante Up" by M.O.P. A few years ago while doing FAWM I wrote this parody and I'm just now getting around to recording it.

Lyrics

All rise for the honorable Judge Hamflaps!

This guy sued! That guy sued!
These guys sued! Those guys sued!
Restaurants and clubs, all get sued!
[Lawyer up!] Everyone sued!
Sue who we want, we file it online
Settle up front, so I can get mine
This rules [like a mob!] These fools [we can rob!]
'Cause it sure beats getting a job [job!] now [now!]

My grill... burned my right hand
And they settled for three hundred grand
As I lived like some king I soon thought of something
[This process could make us all rich!] Ca-ching!
You think I don't know that? [Whoa!] I'm-a do that
[Whoa!] I'm-a sue that [Whoa!] And then sue that
I sued my own cousin 'cause he borrowed my drill
Now I'm two settlements away from a cool mil

[Lawyer up!] File that suit!
[Lawyer up!] Lifestyle improves!
It's the perfect crime and it works every time and
See my social status is climbing, now
[Lawyer up!] File that suit!
[Lawyer up!] Lifestyle improves!
Get him, get him, get him! Hit him, hit him, hit him!
(spoken calmly:) Yes, your honor, I'd like to state that I was severely traumatized.

I broke in your house, to steal your TV
I slipped and I fell, your dog bit me
You think you're the victim, well here is my dictum
You're gonna be sorry 'cause I know how to pick 'em
Lawyer up! [File that suit!]
I'll get big money and your little dog too!
And I'll buy him one of those fancy diamond collars
'Cause I'm suing for eleventy-billion dollars

Flight 87 on the ground [sounds like you were entombed!]
We were stuck aboard a 747 with no leg room
We were twelve minutes late [late!] by the time we left the gate
[Lawyer up!] Oh man, I can't wait!
My leg got a cramp, I had to ask twice
The free drink I got didn't come with any ice
And the in-flight movie was Smokey and the Bandit
Now I'm represented by a law firm who understands it

[Lawyer up!] File that suit!
[Lawyer up!] Lifestyle improves!
I saw more than I could handle, on TV, what a scandal
So shocked I couldn't even change the channel, now
[Lawyer up!] File that suit!
[Lawyer up!] Lifestyle improves!
Get him, get him, get him! Hit him, hit him, hit him!
(spoken calmly:) Your honor, my children could have seen bare female shoulders.

I'm a... true game player, it's America's way for
Me to get mine, I think I may have hit pay dirt
Don't call it greed, call it my new creed
And what pays for this occurrence? Insurance!
File for free, lawyers take a fee
It's a shopping spree, still have time for tea
There's no stopping me, now I live carefree
It's the R.E., V.E., N.U., [U!] E! [E!]

Take 'em out to eat, my boys it's my treat
Big pile of meat, don't mean to be rude
But you brought too much food... I couldn't eat
All of that, so what you're saying is that I'm a fat dude?
[So?] So that's slander, ask any bystander
Got strong enough lawyers to sue Copacabana
I'm-a own this restaurant, and quite fast
[And then?] I'm-a fire your ass, yes indeed

[Lawyer up!] File that suit!
[Lawyer up!] Lifestyle improves!
Can't smoke on a flight, or when I'm pumping gas at night
Yeah that violates my civil rights, uh
[Lawyer up!] File that suit!
[Lawyer up!] Lifestyle improves!
Get him, get him, get him! Hit him, hit him, hit him!
(spoken calmly:) Your honor, he looked at me in a way that clearly implied "Do you have a problem with that?" which I believe to be a threat, and now I fear for my own safety. I would like to request a restraining order that forbids him from looking in my general direction, plus restitution in the amount of three million dollars, a new Lamborghini, a lifetime supply of Popeye’s chicken, and a complete set of first generation Transformers, new in box. And the Megatraon needs to turn into a gun and not a tank. I mean, seriously.

*gavel sound*
Judge: “Judgment for the plaintiff. Bailiff, make sure he gets his Popeye’s chicken.”