Songs

WAPC (Wet-Ass Pussy Cat)

Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion recently released a sex-positive anthem called "WAP" and it very quickly became a huge hit for a variety of reasons, including its catchy sample and beat, its controversial nature, its frank and explicit discussion of sex, and for just pissing off people who think women shouldn't be allowed to enjoy sex.

While not trying to take anything away from this song—I think it's great—my brain immediately went "how can I parody this?" because that's what it does. After bouncing a few ideas around in my head for a while I chuckled when I realized I could keep the same "wet-ass pussy" theme of the song and just change it to be about attempting to bathe a cat. And here we are.

Lyrics

When a cat needs a bath, here's some words you must heed
A wet-ass pussy can make that artery bleed!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah, be careful with that wet-ass pussy
The cat will go berserk when you wash that pussy
Plan to take a day off work after you wash that pussy

Pick it up, give it all you got
Fill the water, but not too hot
Put the pussy right in the bath
Swipe your nose with a fast onslaught
Stay on top, holding it down
Not underwater, don't let it drown
Blood in my mouth, rage in his eye
When he comes out, I'm gonna die
Hold him up, hang by his tail
For my sake, I wear chain mail
I just need to wash this damn cat
Now to get rid of all of his fleas
Hear it scream, hear it yell
Like a demon beast from Hell
I will wash, till you don't smell
But I can tell you this will not end well
Wailin' and flailin', grab on the railing
He jumped out but I grabbed him by the tail again
He whipped around with his claws and he jabbed 'em in
I look down and there's blood on my abdomen
Pain's intense, I see stars
I'm pretty sure that it's gonna leave scars
Really ain't never felt a pain that burns
Even when I sat through Superman Returns

I got some gauze and some stitches from this wet-ass pussy
I think I need a tourniquet 'cause my blood is gushing
It's like something from The Shining from this wet-ass pussy
Now I think I'm gonna faint 'cause I'm feeling woozy

Look, I need a face shield, need a flak jacket
Need a suit of armor and a weed wacker
Not pessimistic, but the conclusion
Is an ambulance and a transfusion
I wanted pets, a cute little tabby
I should've got one that wasn't so stabby
They should've warned me, proceed with caution
Take out insurance when you try to wash him
I don't want to do this at all anymore
My left arm is numb, my right arm is sore
I never thought something that's so cute
Could result in this kind of gore
There's blood on the tub, there's tears in my eye
The water is red, the cat is still dry
It's just a small kitten, not a giant cougar
The cat of my dreams became Freddy Krueger
I wanna have a clean cat, Lord knows I'm tryin'
Slash my wrist, make me feel like I'm dyin'
Switchin' up his shape like a Power Ranger morphin'
I think eating barbed wire might've been more fun
The thanks I get, I'm the one that feeds ya
Then he licks his ass, and makes me bleed, ugh
Some days I wish I got a gerbil
He can make you think that he's a harmless furball
Now I can't see, through the thick steam
Can't find the cat, but I think it's clean
But at this point, I just don't care
When I'm finally done it's a crime scene

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah, be careful with that wet-ass pussy
The cat will go berserk when you wash that pussy
Plan to take a day off work after you wash that pussy
From the ears to the tail that's a wet-ass pussy
All the neighbors hear it wail, that's a wet-ass pussy
I'm talkin' (*reer!* *hiss!* *thwp!*) that's a mad-ass pussy
A wood chipper's got nothin' on this wet-ass pussy

Carrie: 911, what's the nature of your emergency?
Devo: I tried to give my cat a bath.
Carrie: OK, sir help is on the way. I need you to stay on the line with me, OK? Can you do that?
Devo: uuuhhhghh so...much....blood